I have realized recently that student teaching has been getting me rather cynical. I don't like that change that has been happening. After grading all those essays, and seeing how poorly my students had done, I started to lose hope that I could help them learn. This past week has been hard because, without the hope that I can help these students learn the material, I haven't seen the point. It's been a whole lot of hard work, and it was just to get things done.
I don't want to become the teacher who does things just because they need to be done. There is too much hard work for me to put up with without my real passion coming into play. So I asked myself, why do I want to teach?
Today, during intervention, I was able to work with some students and help them make some real progress on their projects. It was very rewarding to see them learn, no, to be able to help them learn. Why do I want to teach? Because I want to take part in helping students learn. I love that feeling of connection that comes when a student reaches a new understanding, when they finally get how to complete an assignment, or a new concept enlightens their mind.
That's why I teach. For the personal connection that comes from helping and learning.
Lately, I haven't been getting much of that. Partially because I shut myself off to it - I stopped believing in these students (they did so poorly on the essay), and I began to stop believing in myself. I stopped believing that I was capable of this.
But, that is simply not true.
I need to be the kind of teacher that believes that he truly can help his students, or all the work of teaching is too much for me. I can do a lot of hard work if I feel that I am making a difference. When I don't feel that, it's nose-to-the-grindstone, purposeless, grueling, pointless work. I can't live that way. I cannot teach that way.
I need to find ways to remind myself that these students can learn, and that I can help them. I need to hope in their potential and in mine. Without that, I simply cannot teach.
With that in mind, planning and teaching becomes easier and more effective as well. All I ask myself is: what do I want them to learn? and how can I assess that they are learning that? Anything else can and must go.
I will teach to help students truly learn, and I need to focus on that, and cut away anything that doesn't help with that. If I don't get that personal connection, it's not worth it for me, and it's not worth it for my students.
Ben,
ReplyDeleteThe joys and challenges associated with teaching really do come and go. There are still days when I come home thinking, "I am done with this!" and need to take a step back. It's definitely not always easy, sometimes it's not that much fun, and occasionally you will wonder if you are doing any good at all. However, this is also one of those jobs that is probably meant to be hard and where you can't always see or measure the good or the progress happening.
You are also in the midst of your own "process of becoming a teacher," which is full of highs and lows as well. When the lows on this scale align with the lows on the student performance scale, it can be doubly discouraging. However, even as you continue to push yourself to do better, you need to allow for your own growth process as well.
You are right, focus on the right things and go forward, but don't get too down on yourself for feeling exhausted, discouraged, or momentarily ready for a career change. You'll have some bright spots ahead in the not too distant future that will make all of the struggles worthwhile!